Felchester Rovers

That’s Ricky Lenin – your new balding maestro. Yeah, Lenin. The Russian boy. Now, you bought him from the Swiss club FC Toblerone. How do you think he’s going to adapt to the English conditions?

You might have seen evidence of bald, shouting Scouser and fifth Young One Alexei Sayle’s encounters with communism elsewhere here, but rather than taking a musical route, we’re on the football pitch. And the football terraces in the 1980s was a world away from the luxurious prawn sandwich paradise of the modern day. They were the type of place you’d go if you wanted to obtain life threatening injuries. Or sharpen up on your racism and homophobia (which let’s be honest, is still happening). But let’s not dwell on that.

Felchester Rovers are a fictional football team. Even with no knowledge of this series or football, you’ve probably already worked that out. The name is basically Roy of the Rovers’ Melchester Rovers but with an F. Please don’t tell me I need to explain to what ‘felch‘ means. If you don’t know, don’t do it. No good will come of it.

The premise of the radio show is Ricky Lenin joining a football team and attempting to install a communist ethos within it. With mixed results. The show is here if you want to give it a shot. I think my favourite part of the thing is their ability to weave the lyrics to pop songs into the narrative of each show. Along the way you’ll encounter familiar, contemporary (for the time) voices such as Keith Allen (ugh) and Phil Cornwell (hooray!), as well as more seasoned folk such as Ballard Berkeley and Kenneth Wolstenholme.

The badge, then. In the promo shots, Alexei is wearing a red and white striped shirt. A bit of a classic. This points us somewhere in the direction of Southampton, Sunderland, Stoke or – as it is here – Sheffield. That’s United, not Wednesday. As they’re the Blades and have two swords, I put a couple of sickles in there and some hammers round the outside (I didn’t want to cross the hammers due to these slags). I think the biggest clincher for me was the 1889 in Sheffield United crest. Yes, 1988 (when the series was first broadcast) is 99 years out, but it is technically a numerical anagram. Shuffle them round and 1889 becomes 1988 easily.

And actually, Felchester are documented as playing in the ‘heart of the midlands’. Which bins off Southampton and Sunderland straight away. So it was a toss up between Stoke and Sheffield*, given that Villa, Birmingham and Wolves don’t have a stripe between them.

I don’t acknowledge West Bromwich Albion as viable because a) they’re black and white stripes and b) Adrian Chiles. Sorry, Baggies.

*Yes, I am aware that Sheffield is in South Yorkshire, and as such not technically in the Midlands. However, both clubs have a rivalry with Chesterfield which is (in Derbyshire). Also, I make the rules up, so fuck off there.