Lap Land

This is a very complex business proposal, so I don’t think you could sum up all the aims in one line. If you can’t sum up your aims in the first line, they’re too diffuse. My aims are not too fucking diffuse, Ok?

First of all, I’d like to point out that we’re not in Finland, we’re in Northamptonshire. Kettering to be precise. As someone who has lived near there, I can safely say that it’s not going to win any awards on charisma and stature. Name one person from Kettering. Other than James Acaster. You probably can’t. So you’re best of sticking with the Finns on this one. At least there’s the vodka to get through it with them.

Lap Land in Kettering is lap dancing club. Fairly obvious one to decipher, that. Now, the logo is visible in horribly garish neon very briefly outside the establishment in series four’s episode ‘Conference‘ and partially later on inside, but – surprisingly for me – I’ve streamlined it somewhat. That is to say that the original version included three silhouettes of provocatively posed women above the main logo text. My issue with that was a) it’s a bit literal (not that these places are known for their subtlety, but even dirtboxes like Spearmint Rhino and Stringfellow’s aren’t rocking the tits and arses on their logos) and b) they are waaaay too small. They look fine for a logo that’s massive on the side of your building, but when you’re shrinking it down to letterheads and what not, it’s going to be an absolute squintathon. Maybe I’m giving them too much credit for caring about any of that than they actually would.

I’m confident in telling you that you wouldn’t for the life of me catch me anywhere inside a place like this. Not that I’m ‘right on’ or anything. It’s just that I don’t get it. You wouldn’t go to a restaurant to look at some food if you’re hungry. And also, they’re full of the type of bloke I would happily avoid forever. Presumably. I’ve obviously never been in one. Maybe they’re chock full of intellectuals, who knows? I just find the whole concept itchy and uncomfortable.

What’s funny to me is that thee original shape looks almost identical to the badge of the football team I support (once again a massive shout out to my Scouse parents for burdening me with a life sentence without parole on this one). So I’ve directly lifted that for no reason other than it amuses me. And if I’m honest, they’re equally dismal and depressing, so it seemed to fit pretty well.