Pocket Shepherd


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The steel vulture of Beelzebub was now just seconds away from the children’s soft heads.

If you ever find yourself in a position where you’re surveying crops in your helicopter and you lose control of it with your sheepdog on board, you better hope to hell you shelled out the very reasonable price of £59 for a Pocket Shepherd. I’ve done the maths and £59 in January 1994 is actually now (March 2024) roughly £120. I’m not sure of a farmer’s salary but it still seems like a bit of a steal. If your brain has been erased with a mind rubber in the last twenty years, please revise ‘Chopper of Doom’ here.

Design-wise there isn’t any satisfactory point of reference within the real world. Maybe one of those duck quack-noise things but as you can probably imagine, the internet isn’t particularly awash with the big hitters of the industry. I don’t think Nike or McDonald’s do them. Likewise, the only ‘pocket’ things I can think of are those keyrings that make battleship noises. Again, as far as I’m aware there’s no single, globally recognised producer of such things.

So we’re going with sheep, sheep and more sheep. Red sky in the morning…something something something. I don’t know how it works. I did get myself into a bit of a vortex on how you spell the word ‘shepherd’ that I can only put down to one too many viewings of Tipping Point. What are those things even called? We always called them just ‘the 2p machine’.

A lot of glaring holes in this write-up, isn’t there? I must’ve just get lost in Ben Shephard’s eyes or something.

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