Glitterati’s

Escalope of veal, cooked in its own fear. Pig testicles in urine. That’s what I want to cook. Men’s food. Done using only Stone Age implements.

Like Sean Lock, Jeremy Hardy was a tough one to take. Very underrated and not nearly as famous, his series with Jack Dee in 1996 remains a favourite of mine to this day. Like other late nineties / early noughties series such as Coogan’s Run and Human Remains, each programme focused on a different setting, though with the two protagonists supposedly filling the title roles as if they were real. So in this one, the pair of them owned a restaurant, somehow.

And that restaurant is Glitterati’s, an upmarket brasserie in central London, taking and / or denying bookings for the likes of Jimmy Hard (a long standing piss take of Jimmy Nail), Nigel Havers and Claudia Schiffer. The whole thing is suitably batshit: they have a lettuce chef, a recipe using ‘sun dried bread’ and at one point Jack Dee is seen stirring Nutella, Calvados and duck pâté into an omelette. As a long standing vegan type, I especially like Jeremy’s ‘tofu surprise’ dish – the surprise being that it contains liver – leading to an alternate reality Keith Chegwin-esque character getting executed by a troupe of vigilante animal rights protestors.

The logo, then. It is visible briefly on a menu and I managed to identify the font, though I have tweaked it a little. As well as introducing a darker colour palette from the inside of my own brain. The names you see are the ridiculous chefs that the two also play in the show (alongside ‘themselves’). One is a French shoplifter and the other a bad-tempered misogynistic Northerner.

You know, standard celebrity chef shit.