Cornwall Dragons

I weigh 245. I’ve got hamstrings like animals. I’m built like a brick shitho- I walk through walls, I’m telling you.

It’s hardly going to come as massively revelatory to you, but I don’t live in New York. Because of that, I don’t have knowledge of the geography, so when the Jerky Boys start going on about stuff happening in places like Canarsie, I genuinely don’t know if it’s true or not. For this, it actually wasn’t. So although Cornwall is a place in New York (the wonderful Empire State), the (American) football team the Cornwall Dragons don’t exist. What’s funny is that they’re actually an ice hockey team. Though none of their social media has been used since 2018, so maybe they don’t exist again.

The sketch involves our heroes putting an ad in the local paper for football players and some mental lad called Frank phones them up, banging on about how great he is and how he could play in the NFL ‘easy’. For some reason the people in his neighbourhood call him ‘Big Hock’ and 30-odd years on I’ve still no idea what that means. He claims to play semi-pro as a full back for the Bayside Raiders in Queens (who are real) and Jake (Johnny Brennan) asks him if he played for the Cornwall Dragons for no reason. And also if he played ball in 1977-82, which is pretty much impossible, seeing as though this phone call is happening around 1998. Franks also states that he’s ‘Irish and Scottish’ despite sounding more New York than the Statue of Liberty eating a lox bagel whilst getting beeped at by a yellow taxi driven by Woody Allen.

The design is pretty standard American sports fare. It appears to be convention with the NFL teams to have the location in small and the beast slightly larger. I say ‘beast’. Usually an animal. Sometimes a human, a number, a mythical entity or whatever the fuck a ‘packer‘ is. Eagle-eyed viewers may note the small cross in the ‘O’ in the word ‘dragon’, which (on the light design, at least) is a nod to the flag of Cornwall. The original (and arguably best) British version.

*The Cornwall Dragons also happen to be a swimming club in the north of the county. Get yourself down there, but make sure you leave it an hour after consuming a pasty.